The last 2 times i've been wankered (part 2)

Yesterday.

After street drinking we went to a Japanese restaurant to drink warm sake. From the ages 19-23 every birthday was ruined by some horrible cunt. Ever since those days I chose not to celebrate the day or alert people to its presence. It's normally just a non-event for me. I don't mope or feel sorry for myself. Treat it like valentine's day or Christmas. Over-hyped. Insignificant. Today I was feeling sorry for myself.

1) I'd failed to meet my goal of completing my book before my 25th birthday. Not by a huge margin. It's almost finished - without editing- although i'm struggling at the final fence.


2)

The girl I love has another. She tagged him her boyfriend but i'm penned as her lover.

That's what I wrote after she left for England a few weeks ago. The night after we said goodbye i fell asleep clutching my phone like it was a grenade. The last thing she messaged me was after 5 am. "miss you, sorry."

I e mailed her since she left and I don't know why but I said it would be great if she could e-mail me on my birthday. I guess I said it to guarantee some sort of reply. She struck me as the kind of girl who would try to shut me out because we couldn't be together.

There was no e-mail from her so that was my second reason for sorrow.

A korean and singapore guy waved us over, promising to buy us drinks. They kept ordering this korean alcohol that tastes like perfume. Then some sweet wine. The buzzer was alwaysbeing pressed for more. We overheard them arguing over who was going to pay the bill. "One drink, one drink." Then they surreptitiously grabbed their coats and went to pay the bill. I suspected they were gonna shift most of the bill on to us. One of them was some vice president of a sales company. Hardly a glowing reference for one of reputable character. Hardly possessing overly honest dispositions ourselves we decided to pre-empt their bill shirking responsibilities. My mate helped himself to an unopened bottle of wine as we departed.

As I said, they were sales people so obviously the first thing out of their mouths was. "I'm a vice president of a sales company." The predictable second will always be. "So, what do you do?"

'I'm a teacher.'
Singapore guy "Really, you don't look like a teacher?"
'Because I have piercings and tattoos?'
"No, because you look like a freak."

Later he was telling the girl we were with that he could make her a movie star via his media empire.

I thought about the Korean girl, my affair girl. I was walking to the bathroom which was in a different building. As my American mate pointed out by saying something similar to this. "You're one of those annoying people who can't walk to turn on the TV without having your headphones on." I was listening to sad songs that I used to hate but they have a special memory of my relationship with her. I wrote this:

Listenin to sad songs that I hate
They're soldered to your memory
The world zooms past
but it's just a breeze
I'm stood still, scratching my head

I got home, deliberated whether to check my E-mail. Saw that there was one. Turned out it was from my affair girl.

"I can't remember your birthday sorry!" as well as other things. I excitedly replied and she came on msn. She'd had a dream about me and decided to e-mail. It was the first one she had sent since she got to England.

We both said we were worried the other had forgotten. That we both still yearned. She told me to move to Sheffield to be with her. She would leave her boyfriend to come to me.

"I want to be with you.
In England or Korea, both are great.
I have to go to Nav."

Love sick by nujabes is a song we would listen to together. I only like one line in the entire song "Every process starts with a genesis and ends with a revelation" but I had to listen to it everyday at one point so it ended up being shared. I opened itup on you tube. After 10 seconds she asked me.
"Can you send me the love sick song?"

We are 5,000 miles apart. 8 hours time difference. Hadn't spoken to her for 3 weeks but she managed to dream about me on my birthday and then we both thought of the same song. How could I stay in Korea? I told her I would leave on the 23rd of October when I got paid. I was sobbing really viciously at this point. There was a mini puddle on the floor and all over my laptop mouse square. Wasn't cathartic in anyway. There was a Japanese reality TV show. They all lived in a house, being made to random tasks after which they had to cry. The tears were collected in a test tube. After a week, the person with the most ml of tears won a big cash prize. My puddles ha the diameter of a £2 coin. I missed my calling. I don't know how long I cried or stroked the back of my head. I spoke to her for 90 minutes but it felt like 5.

England depresses me so much. What if I go there and she doesn't leave him? How weak, trusting and foolish I would feel. My brain says no but my heart says go. The problem is. I have this amazing feeling for her but I couldn't describe to anyone why I like her. Is this a good or bad thing? The feeling is real but is it based in any reality.

Sometimes now during the day I almost start to cry for no reason. Riding on the bus. Walking down the street. Anywhere. Perhaps it was a slef-fulfilling prophecy that all those false starts would rush out.

When I woke up the next day I felt stupid.